


he can take this life (and hold it by the hand)

by jorgelorenzo



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Crack-ish, Dating, M/M, fernando and jenson being mchondads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 23:02:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14175264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jorgelorenzo/pseuds/jorgelorenzo
Summary: “Why dressed so nicely?” Fernando asked, eyes narrowed and looking Stoffel up and down suspiciously.Stoffel struggled to think of an excuse. “Um.”“You are going on date!” Fernando looked furious. “You did not tell me this. Who is he? Tell me, Stoffel, now.”“It’s, um, Pierre.” Stoffel admitted reluctantly, not being able to come up with a lie on the spot. He had known Fernando would find out eventually, but he hadn’t quite built up the courage to speak to the older man.“I see.” Said Fernando, crossing his arms over his chest. “And how long have you been fornicating with the French boy?”If there was ever a moment that Stoffel wished the world would swallow him whole, it was then.





	he can take this life (and hold it by the hand)

**Author's Note:**

> This is just some crack-ish nonsense inspired by (and dedicated to) my wonderful friend Kim (@hunnybadgur on tumblr), love you Kimmy. The title comes from the song "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed. Also - none of this is real, nor will it ever be etc and this hasn't be beta'd so any mistakes are my own, feel free to let me know :)

Stoffel was just trying to decide whether or not wearing his suit trousers was a step too far for the date and if he should just wear jeans instead, when his doorbell rung. Checking his phone, Stoffel was slightly surprised; Pierre wasn’t meant to be meeting him for another hour, and the Frenchman wasn’t normally early.

Opening the apartment door, he was slightly horrified to see Fernando stood there, beaming.

“Surprise!” Fernando exclaimed, grin fading at the look on Stoffel’s face. “You were expecting someone else?”

“No,” Stoffel choked out, forcing a smile onto his face and hurrying Fernando inside.

Fernando slumped down on the sofa, while Stoffel remained standing. “What are you doing here? I thought you would be in Spain.”

“Jenson wanted something delivered to Daniel, so I said I would do it.” Fernando shrugged. Apparently it was no problem for Fernando to cross the seas for Jenson, but Stoffel had long learnt not to question their strange relationship. “Jenson is in Japan, and I thought I could visit you also. You are not busy?”

“I, uh, well.” Stoffel didn’t know how to tell Fernando that, yes; he really was busy and could do with being left alone to continue have a breakdown over his outfit.

“Why dressed so nicely?” Fernando asked, eyes narrowed and looking Stoffel up and down suspiciously.

Stoffel struggled to think of an excuse. “Um.”

“You are going on date!” Fernando looked furious. “You did not tell me this. Who is he? Tell me, Stoffel, now.”

“It’s, um, Pierre.” Stoffel admitted reluctantly, not being able to come up with a lie on the spot. He had known Fernando would find out eventually, but he hadn’t quite built up the courage to speak to the older man.

“I see.” Said Fernando, crossing his arms over his chest. “And how long have you been fornicating with the French boy?”

If there was ever a moment that Stoffel wished the world would swallow him whole, it was then. He had _never_ wanted to have to discuss his sex life with Fernando.

“A couple of months, I guess.”

Fernando looked, if possible, even angrier.

“And you did no tell me.” His eyes shone with something that looked like hurt, and Stoffel felt bad for the first time. “I must call Jenson.”

“NO!” Stoffel exclaimed, grabbing at Fernando’s arm. “Fernando, please, you two are bad enough as it is. Everything is fine, Pierre is a really good boyfriend-”

“Oh, he is  _boyfriend_ now, is he?”

Fuck.

“I mean, well,” Stoffel stammered, trying to think of any possible way to make this situation better. “Wouldn’t you rather he be my boyfriend than a one night stand or something?”

Fernando considered this. “Hmm, suppose. I still do not like, though. You should tell me things, I cannot help otherwise.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Stoffel said, although there was a part of him that was wishing he hadn’t. Fernando was incredibly overprotective. “I really like Pierre, can you not be happy for my sake?”

Fernando made a “ _humph_ ” sound, but said no more, which Stoffel took to mean he was agreeing, even if he didn’t like it.

“He’s picking me up in less than an hour, so can I go and get ready now?” Stoffel asked, aware he sounded like a petulant teen talking to their father. Fernando nodded and Stoffel walked back to his bedroom.

“What car will he drive?” Fernando called loudly. “My boy deserves nothing but the best, if he turns up in a Honda, you are no going.”

Stoffel felt his cheeks flush a little in Fernando referring to him like a son, and he couldn’t help but smile. The question now was whether or not to wear jeans. He knew the restaurant that Pierre had booked was considered posh, but he felt as though suit trousers were more for weddings or important meetings. God, why was deciding what to wear on dates so difficult?

Unfortunately, in his distraction, Stoffel hadn’t heard Fernando talking and nearly jumped a foot in the air when the Spaniard flung the door open, babbling away on his mobile.

“He has been lying to us, Jenson.” Fernando was saying, clearly ignoring whatever Jenson was saying on the other end of the line. It must have been about two in the morning for Jenson, so Stoffel highly doubted he was pleased with this phone call. “You must speak sense into him; he will be doing all sorts, drugs and such soon.”

And without another word he shoved the phone in Stoffel’s direction.

“Speak to Jenson.” Fernando said, rather threateningly, and Stoffel took the phone. Fernando turned back towards the door. “I will give you privacy.”

Stoffel didn’t point out that Fernando hadn’t given him a second’s privacy since he arrived.

“How’s my boy?” Jenson cheered from down the phone. “I’m very proud of little Stoff, out there, getting some.”

Stoffel silently questioned the universe as to what he had done to deserve this.

“Don’t worry about Nando, he’s a big worry wart.” Jenson said consolingly. “So tell me, is it true what they say about French, well, I know Pierre isn’t a girl, but -”

“ _Jenson_.” Stoffel cut him off. He had no desire to talk about sex with either Jenson or Fernando. “Do I wear jeans or trousers?”

Jenson paused. “Where are you going?”

“Maya Bay.”

“Jeans.” Said Jenson decisively. “Put on a dress shirt and maybe a blazer, and some nice shoes. Make sure the blazer matches the shoes. Oh, and make sure you wear a watch.”

Stoffel followed Jenson’s advice, putting on a white shirt topped with a navy blazer and some chestnut leather brogues that he was pretty sure Jenson himself had bought him. Jenson babbled away on the other end of the phone about Japan, karting and his and Daniel’s beer company, clearly trying to relax Stoffel.

“What watch should I wear with navy?” Stoffel asked, probably cutting Jenson off in the middle of a sentence. “Gold or silver?”

“I would say gold.” Jenson replied. “Gold goes with everything.”

“Okay.” Stoffel pulled out a watch that he had bought with his first pay from McLaren, a sort of present to himself for getting picked. “Jenson, thank you. Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

Jenson laughed. “I was, but to be honest the jet lag’s got me all fucked up. Well, I would say you look great, but I wouldn’t know. Thank god you got my good looks, although you are a bit shorter. I blame Nando for that.”

Stoffel rolled his eyes. He sometimes wondered if Jenson and Fernando remembered they _weren’t_ his actual parents.

He said his goodbyes to Jenson before hanging up the phone and taking a final look at himself in the mirror. Stoffel had to admit, he looked pretty good and the blazer definitely made all the difference.

Fernando was pacing in the living room when Stoffel returned, clearly thinking hard.

“So,” Stoffel said awkwardly, holding out Fernando’s phone.

Fernando looked round, unclasping his hands from behind his back. He walked over, taking the phone before staring at Stoffel for a few seconds.

“Look very smart.” He said quietly, smoothing down Stoffel’s admittedly un-ironed blazer. “Very smart.”

When he looked up, Stoffel was horrified to find Fernando’s eyes were filled with tears of what had to be pride. No, no, no, Stoffel was _not_ going to get emotional just before his date with Pierre. He tried to think of sad things, dead puppies, Jenson retiring, Honda engines. Fortunately, at that moment, the doorbell rang and both of them jumped.

Pierre greeted Stoffel with a beaming smile, which made Stoffel’s heart skip a beat. But before Stoffel could say a word, Fernando had pushed past him and was giving Pierre a rather intimidating look, despite the fact he was a good few inches shorter than the younger man.

“You,” He said aggressively to a terrified looking Pierre. “You will take good care of Stoffel, yes? No funny business, or you will deal with me. And Jenson.”

Pierre shrank back a little. “Yes, sir.”

Fernando surveyed Pierre for a moment before he evidently deemed him to be satisfactory enough for Stoffel and turned back to the Belgian.

“Must be home before ten or I call Jenson,” He warned, although he was smiling this time. “I was hoping to stay here, but if you two wish I will book hotel room.”

“No, it’s fine.” Pierre said immediately, clearly not wanting to annoy Fernando. “We can go back to mine, I mean.”

He trailed off, looking embarrassed, but Fernando gave them both a wolfish grin.

“You must wear a condom.” He said. “Am not ready to be a grandfather yet.”

Stoffel choked on his own spit, while Pierre looked halfway between laughter and mortification. Fernando looked as though he was rather enjoying it all. He had clearly spent _far_ too much time with Jenson.

“You two have fun.” Fernando patted them both on the arm. “Off you go. I will be in spare room if you need me, although I am sure you will not.”

Stoffel turned towards the other end of the hallway, happy to be free of his over embarrassing teammate, Pierre following.

“No drinking and driving!” Fernando called down the corridor. “I am not picking you up from a police station!”

“ _Y_ _es_ , dad!” Stoffel said huffily over his shoulder, realising a second too late what he had said. He felt his whole face blush as Pierre tried valiantly not to laugh. “God, are you sure you still want to go on this date?”

Pierre laughed. “Of course I am. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else right now.”

And with that, he reached over and clasped Stoffel’s hand in his own, entwining their fingers.

+

Fernando watched the little scene from the door, feeling pride bubble up inside of him. Sure, he was not entirely sure about Pierre yet, but he seemed passable so far. At least he hadn’t turned up in a Honda.

He walked back into Stoffel’s apartment, laying himself down on the sofa and turning on the tv. He was just deciding whether or not to watch the Madrid match, when his phone buzzed.

SMS

From: Jenson Button

Received: 7:03 pm

_how was our boy?_

 

SMS

From: Fernando Alonso

Received: 7:04 pm

_nervous, but i think they are a good match. stoff looked very smart_

 

SMS

From: Jenson Button

Received: 7:06 pm

_of course he did, he takes after me ;)  where r u staying now?_

 

SMS

From: Fernando Alonso

Received: 7:07 pm

_stoffs spare room, i think he is staying with pierre tonight_

 

SMS

From: Jenson Button

Received: 7:10 pm

_phone sex it is then?_

 

Fernando grinned.

 

SMS

From: Fernando Alonso

Received: 7:12 pm

_deal_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, you can come follow me @vivianrosberg on tumblr.


End file.
